Skaam vir sy pa se beroep

Category: Afrikaans

Dis die eerste dag van die skooljaar en die nuwe Graad Eentjies se traantjies is afgedroog en almal sit in ‘n kring om juffrou. Om die kleintjies heeltemal op hulle gemak te stel besluit Juffrou Suzette om ‘n speletjie te speel: ‘Wat is jou naam en watse werk doen jou pappa?’

Klein Eileen se van is Arends, so sy is eerste aan die beurt.

‘My naam is Eileen Arends en my pappa is ‘n Posmeester.’

‘Dankie Eileen. Jannie, jy is volgende.’

‘My naam is Jannie Botha en my pa is ‘n mekeniek.’

Dankie Jannie, maar onthou, die regte Afrikaanse woord is motorwerktuigkundige.’

Volgende aan die beurt is klein Naas.

‘My naam is Naas Junior en my pa is ‘n .. is ‘n …. Hy dans vir ander omies en trek sy klere uit!’ Woeps, gaan sit Naas Junior, ogies op die mat voor hom.

Juffrou Suzette is amper uit haar Foschini rok uit geskok en as sy nie ‘n wonderbra gedra het nie, was sy dalk meer geskok. Sy begin toe sommer by die agterkant van die alfabet en vra vir Klein Koos Van der Merwe om te sê wat sy pa doen, maar dit is ‘n storie vir ‘n ander dag.

Na skool sien sy klein Naas by die hek staan en wag en gaan buk by hom. ‘Naas, is dit regtig waar dat jou pappa ontklee danse doen vir ander mans?’

Klein Naas kyk op die grond, na die motors wat ander Graad Eentjies kom haal, na die ou wat oorkant die straat gras sny, orals, maar net nie na Juffrou nie.

‘Wel Naas, dans jou pappa regtig in ‘n gay …….. dans jou pappa regtig?’

Naas lig sy traangevulde ogies om na Juffrou te kyk. juffrou, ek was te skaam om te sê my pa was ‘n Springbok, die ander outjies sal mos nooit met my speel nie!’

AOL Changes

Category: Misc

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

* Time Magazine’s next “Man Of The Year” issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

* The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, “You cwazy wabbit, you’ve been onwine for 5 minutes and that’s way-y-y too long… we’re going to boot you off!”

* When you try to access a web site that AOL blocks because they know that you are too stupid to think for yourself, Tweety Bird will say, “I tawt I taw a Puddy… I did, I did see a Puddy… ACCESS IS DENIED!”

* The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, “Eh, what’s up Doc?” he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.

* Now that AOL owns everything, there is no one left for them to sell your private and personal information to. Therefore, they will now use that information to obtain a mandatory AOL Visa card in your name and make purchases on your behalf and bill you whatever they want whether you like it or not.

* Now, when you turn off your TV set, AOL will automatically download television programs without your permission and delete the channels of competitors that they don’t want you to watch. Of course the next logical step will be popup ads on the screen while you’re trying to watch your favorite show, and the inevitable outcome will be… “You’ve been watching TV for too long, your connection has been terminated”… CLICK!

And this my friends… is just the beginning!

A Brief History Of Computers

Category: Misc

Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.

So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet had no A’s, B’s, or Q’s, but a mere 640 K’s, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.

At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. “Forsooth,” they cried. “the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he knows only eight and three.” And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.

Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.

Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: “Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish.” The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature OZ II.

Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea.

Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, “Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea.”

Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers.

Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, “It is indeed great, but we see little application for it.” And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.

Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. “Yea,” the Gateskeeper declared, “though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs.”

And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.

Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.

Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what’s more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.

And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.

And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish.

Poor Parrot

Category: Animals

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk.

She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed. “The parrot doesn’t talk.””Did you buy a mirror?” “No.” “Every parrot needs a mirror. “So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot’s cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned. “The parrot still doesn’t talk.” “Did you buy a ladder?” “No.” “Every parrot needs a ladder.”So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage.

Another week and a half passed and she returned.”The parrot still doesn’t talk.””Did you buy a swing?””No.””Every parrot needs a swing.”So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store owner asked, “Did the parrot talk?””No!, he died.””Oh, that’s terrible.

Did he say anything before he died?””Yes.””What?””He gasped ‘Don’t they have any food down at that store?'”

You Called Me?

Category: Adult, Top Ten

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Sir, did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here, let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.” Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man. “No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer. “You must be new here,” says the hairy man, “it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” she says. The man yells, “Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee.” “But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours, you haven’t even had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!”

Lion Tamer

Category: Animals

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The young man replies. “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”

Scared Alligator

Category: Animals

One day, Gramma sent her grandson Peter down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen. “Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Gramma asked him.”I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” cried Peter.

“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Peter. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one.

Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!””Well, Gramma,” replied Peter, “If he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

The Football Moms

Category: Sport

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain’t he-a fine?”

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy’s mother, the second boy’s mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, “Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain’t he-a wonderful?”

The third boy, hadn’t done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered…running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn’t stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, “Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain’t he-a the shits?”

The Associate’s Vacation

Category: Lawyer

For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn. During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper’s daughter. Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.

Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off. Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Why didn’t you call me when you learned you were pregnant?” he asked. “You know I would have have done the right thing — we could have been married. I would be a good provider.”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

A Fishing Lure

Category: Animals

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”