Dis die eerste dag van die skooljaar en die nuwe Graad Eentjies se traantjies is afgedroog en almal sit in ‘n kring om juffrou. Om die kleintjies heeltemal op hulle gemak te stel besluit Juffrou Suzette om ‘n speletjie te speel: ‘Wat is jou naam en watse werk doen jou pappa?’
Klein Eileen se van is Arends, so sy is eerste aan die beurt.
‘My naam is Eileen Arends en my pappa is ‘n Posmeester.’
‘Dankie Eileen. Jannie, jy is volgende.’
‘My naam is Jannie Botha en my pa is ‘n mekeniek.’
Dankie Jannie, maar onthou, die regte Afrikaanse woord is motorwerktuigkundige.’
Volgende aan die beurt is klein Naas.
‘My naam is Naas Junior en my pa is ‘n .. is ‘n …. Hy dans vir ander omies en trek sy klere uit!’ Woeps, gaan sit Naas Junior, ogies op die mat voor hom.
Juffrou Suzette is amper uit haar Foschini rok uit geskok en as sy nie ‘n wonderbra gedra het nie, was sy dalk meer geskok. Sy begin toe sommer by die agterkant van die alfabet en vra vir Klein Koos Van der Merwe om te sê wat sy pa doen, maar dit is ‘n storie vir ‘n ander dag.
Na skool sien sy klein Naas by die hek staan en wag en gaan buk by hom. ‘Naas, is dit regtig waar dat jou pappa ontklee danse doen vir ander mans?’
Klein Naas kyk op die grond, na die motors wat ander Graad Eentjies kom haal, na die ou wat oorkant die straat gras sny, orals, maar net nie na Juffrou nie.
‘Wel Naas, dans jou pappa regtig in ‘n gay …….. dans jou pappa regtig?’
Naas lig sy traangevulde ogies om na Juffrou te kyk. juffrou, ek was te skaam om te sê my pa was ‘n Springbok, die ander outjies sal mos nooit met my speel nie!’
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?
If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.
Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, “Jump, frog!” The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. “12 feet…write that down, Sophie,” he said.
Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog’s right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, “Jump, frog!” The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.
Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again “Jump, frog!” Sidney reported, “Six feet…write it down.”
The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. “Jump, frog!” Then, he shouted “Jump, frog!” and prodded the frog. “The frog jumped 8 inches…write it down, Sophie.”
Finally, Sidney removed the frog’s remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, “Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!”
The frog didn’t jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, “So what should I write down?”
Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, “When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf.”
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella “Mississippi”!
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.” And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”
The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,”You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”